Psychological Counseling

Pattern of Adjustment Difficulties for Families

This text was provided by Dr. Marc I. Ehrlich

During the 20 years that I have been living in Mexico, I have worked with many international families. They were in Mexico mostly as a result of the husband's work transfer. My contact with these families usually came as a result of their need for help.

Although each family has been different, there was a pattern quite typical of those who were having adjustment difficulties. The wife usually felt abandoned, ignored, and overwhelmed in her relationship with Mexicans. The husband, happy and well-adjusted within his bilingual and bicultural office, was angry and frustrated by his wife's apparent unwillingness or inability to "make the best of things."

Conscious of her unhappiness and unwilling to add "fuel to the fire" these husbands would hold back information about their problems and concerns, further isolating their spouse from marital intimacy. These couples tended to be insulated from the Mexican culture and held rigidly to the customs and rituals of their own country.

The Children

There was also a tendency for one or more of the children to experience school problems, which only exacerbated the mother's belief that a mistake was made by coming to this "polluted, strange, and horrible" place. I would see one international family after another in my office who were coming apart at the seams.

Spouses

There have been other couples, those who I met either socially or through talks I had been invited to give, that seemed enthusiastic about being in Mexico. These wives, in the same predicament as the others, viewed most things as a challenge. Sure, they too were annoyed by their difficulty communicating with the maid or the chauffeur or the gardener.

Language Barrier

They also suspected that these workers were trying to pull a fast one given the wives insecurity about dealing with them in Spanish. As with their friends who were having difficulty adjusting, these wives also felt somewhat abandoned by their suddenly work-a-holic husbands, but found that the distance from their spouse could be compensated, to some degree, by their newly found social contacts and with the excitement of trying to learn Spanish.

The Working Spouse

The husbands of these wives benefited greatly by knowing that their spouse was responding positively to the demands of being in a foreign country. Having a secure home front enabled them to work more efficiently and successfully on the job. These executives seemed to feel more at ease. They made a concerted effort to speak Spanish, not liking the fact that their Mexican counterparts had to struggle so much to communicate in English. They looked to socialize with Mexican families as they wanted to become immersed within the Mexican culture. They realized that their tour was limited and wanted to make the most of their time.

Getting Along

Needless to say, the children of these couples tended to fare better than their unhappy co-patriots. They enjoyed eating tacos and enchiladas as much as going to McDonald's and Domino's Pizza. They made friends with their Mexican classmates and did not feel the need to stick with the social cliques formed around nationality. They enjoyed making trips into the Republic and complained much less about the less-than-perfect hotel accommodations. What factors contributed to these marked differences between families? More importantly, what could be done to help families make a better adjustment to living in Mexico?

Psychological Standards

In my seminars for newly arrived families, I ask the couples to take two psychological inventories. One is the Myers-Briggs and the other is the FIRO-B. The Myers-Briggs measures four dimensions of personality: extroversion vs. introversion, sensing vs. intuition, thinking vs. feeling, and judging vs. perceiving. The FIRO-B provides a reading about one's interpersonal orientation in the areas of inclusion, control, and affect.